


Two bros

by Ratholomew



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Earth C (Homestuck), F/M, Fluff and Angst, Homestuck - Freeform, M/M, Multi, Slice of Life, minor davekat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:27:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23608327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ratholomew/pseuds/Ratholomew
Summary: Dirk doesnt know how to handle his feelings and JohnRoxy causes problems for everyone
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. Sitting in a hot tub

**Author's Note:**

> Let's be clear for a sec I dont dislike JohnRoxy in the slightest, I just think JohnDirk has more angst potential. Aside from that, I'm still fairly new to writing, af least not on regular basis, so this might be needlessly long. Most of the shit I write is probably just gonna stay in my head for forever anyways, but who knows.
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoy this I had fun writing and if you could I'd appreciate feedback <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's better than this, guys bein' dudes

"Uhg, when are they gonna come back? My hands are getting all pruney!"

John raised his arms up in frustration before letting them flop back into the roaring bubbles of the hot tub. A few small droplets landed on Dirk's anime shades, though all he did in response was just watch the water slowly slide down the dark plastic. It may have been a little uncomfortable to focus on something so close to his eyes, but he was just thankful that it gave him an easy way to avoid staring at his friend's bare chest.

"Who knows. Maybe carpaces just love their McDonald's"

"Okay, but how long does it take to get drinks? The lines were never that long back on our earth."

"Maybe you should go on a "Not My Earth" campaign. Levy for shorter lines so you can get that sweet sweet succulent goodness. Makin' my mouth drip just thinkin' about that juicy meat"

"I'm serious Dirk! Im really starting to think that they ditched us.", John huffed and crossed his arms as he slumped back againdt the hot tub wall.

Knowing Dave and Rose they probably did ditch them. He didn't need to use his god powers to know that. They were *always* teasing him about how much time he liked spending with John, though it was Rose who seemed the most intrigued by it. As someone who had watched Dave not so subtly pine over the guy through so many of their formative years, it seemed only natural for her want to pick part the next Strider to shot longing gazes at a self proclaimed heterosexual. Dave just found it hilarious. Of course, Dirk would be quick to deny any allegations that his feelings towards the guy weren't purely platonic, which by the way, they totally were. That didn't stop the two of them from pestering him any time he so much as glanced at the guy.

And no, just because he was almost a carbon copy of Jake didnt mean jack shit. Sure, it may have felt a little weird when they first started seeing each other- *hanging out* with with one another, but to be fair his break up with Jake was still fairly fresh, and besides, their similar looks were just kinda creepy. Besides, it's not like he was actively looking for a replacement for Jake, that would just be ridiculous. He had enough friends to fill any sort of interpersonal connectedness void he would possibly be feeling without them. He was perfectly fine being single, and that was the end of that.

No, John was different. Sure the two may look eerily similar and were both huge fucking nerds, but John's personality was distinct. He never seemed afraid to voice his opinions, no matter how rude or blunt they might possibly seem, and no matter how much he made fun of Dirk for having the same aesthetic as Dave, for trying to act cool and aloof all the time, it never felt like his friendship was disingenuous. He was just a good bro he likes to hang around.

It's just that he never really thought that the guy would have any defining muscles. 

This was John afterall, he wasnt exactly known for going out of his way to be all that active. Maybe it was all those years being in the game, or maybe he actually was working out, but damn if they weren't some delicious eye candy. He could potentially use his powers to peer into John's free time...but no, that'd just be a whole new level of creepy he wasn't prepared to deal with.

"Dirk? Dirk!"

Oh fuck. He hadn't even realized he'd been wanting a response. Dirk only snapped back to reality when John started waving his hand in front of him.

"Wuzzat? Sorry, I was dozing off", Dirk lied.

John groaned. "And who's fault is that? You're the one staying up all night doing god knows what."

"You only know that cus you stay up late too Egbert. Don't even lie, I've got texts to prove it."

"Yeah well at least I get sleep! You're like a...like a night gremlin or something"

"Night gremlin? Is that really the best you've got? Come on Johnny boy, I expect better from you. It's dangerous to let your game slip, especially around me, the coolest and most thrill seeking guy around."

John scoffed. "You *know* you only make it easier for me to make fun of you when you say stuff like that, right?"

"Yeah but it's not about that. A feeble mind like yours couldnt comprehend the layers of a sweet delicious irony cake that I've baked into every word that comes out of my mouth. This irony cake goes so deep that if you tripped in it you wouldnt see that light of day for another eon. It goes so deep that the next thing you'll see is Satan's gaping asshole staring back at you."

"Oh my fucking *god*. That one didn't even make any sense!"

"Exaclty egg boy"

John rolled his eyes. Dirk smirked. It wasnt often that the overplayed irony shtick really provoked much reaction out of people these days, but it was always fun seeing John become increasingly more exasperated any time he brought it up.

"Anyways, like I was *trying* to say is that we should probably check on them. I mean, we're *gods*, don't you think that they'd give special passes for cutting lines and stuff?"

"You're right. Maybe they died. You know how hectic the carapace kingdom is. I mean have you seen the mail system?"

"Actually, yes I have, and it's running surprisingly efficiently for people that look like chess pieces."

"Wow John, way to be speciest. These guys work their asses off to for a smooth running society and all you do is berate them? Tsk tsk, this ain't gonna look good on your background check."

"I'm John flipping Egbert! The only background check they need is a history book!"

"Yep. And the only thing they'll see is your record is your highscore for number of losses in Smash, to me specifically, not like you even really had a chance to begin with"

"Oh fuck off!"

John conjured up a strong breeze and splashed Dirk with more water than was necessary. He was absolutely drenched, but that didn't stop Dirk from smiling after he shook his head off. He sat up straighter and readied himself for a counter attack.

"How the hell is hair still standing up?!"

"A magician never reveals his secrets"

"Did you just fucking wink- AUHG"

\----

"Yo you think they're doing alright?'

Dave sipped from his McFlurry. It didn't seem like McDonald's would have survived a 500 year time skip into the future, nor did it seem likelier than one would be conveniently placed in a getaway resort, but it wasn't like Dave was complaining. Rose seemed content to just have a booth to sit in. Her fingers seemed to glide across her phone screen at rate that didnt seem humanly possible, and she didnt even stop her rapid fire texting when she responded to him.

"Oh I'm sure they're doing just swimmingly"

"Hahaha, I'm laughing my ass off right now. Never has anyone in the history of laughing ever had their ass blown off so seamlessly and effortlessly than I have now. They'll be talking about this for eons to come, it'll be a universally shared fact that right now my ass was so astronomically blown to smithereens that all of time and space nearly collapsed on itself because of it"

"You sure did say the word ass a lot just there"

"Yeah I did and you can take whatever meaning you want from that, but what I'm asking is will those two really be okay together alone with each other?"

"Its not like they're going to consummate their relationship in public. Do you really think so lowly of your friends?"

"Yeah because I'm talking about them fucking banging in the open"

Dave glanced around them to see if anyone had heard them. They had specifically chosen a booth in the back, though the carapaces were polite enough anyways to not intrude on their conversation. It's just that he knew how much they flipped their shit to have anything about their gods to gossip about. 

"Well you sure could have fooled me"

"Look, I'm just worried about Dirk is all"

"Why?"

"Oh you know why. Do I even need to say it?"

"You're underestimating him. Dirk isn't that shallow"

"Well I know he'd never *intentionally* try to think like that, but it's not that easy to just switch off feelings, even if he is a Prince of Heart"

"You're just saying that because you had a crush on him until you met Ka-"

"Dont you fucking say it. I am not having this conversation again"

"Dave really. How long as it been? You two are the only ones who are afraid to say anything"

"I'm not talking about it."

"Fine, whatever you say"

There was brief pause on their conversation, though Rose never stopped to look up from her phone even once. There was a massive wall of purple accompanies by small doses of jade on her screen.

"Anyways" , Rose pipped up, "you agreed that it'd be good for them to have some alone time together. Are you taking back your word?"

"No no, obviously I'd have to be a huge tool to do that, but maybe we should have chosen a different time to leave them alone. Have you even *seen* Dirk's lock screen?"

"Of course. I'm a Seer of Light after all. If I want to know about something I will. Even if I dont want to know about it I will"

Rose finally looked up from her phone to give a smug, self satisfied look. Dave frowned and continued sipping on his cold, frosty beverage.

"Dont worry dear brother, they'll be fine. Dirk's gotten a little better at talking to people in person ever since the game ended. You have nothing to worry about"

"Fine, but if anything weird happens I'm blaming you"

"Fair enough. You have to admit though, it'd make for a pretty good headline"

"What?"

"Them fucking in public"

"Oh yeah. I guess it would be pretty hilarious"

\---

"Ow ow ow- shit it hurts!"

"Just relax Egbert. The more you tense up the more uncomfortable it's going to be"

"Yeah but you could be at least *try* to be a little more gentle"

"Oh quit being a baby and just let me put this on"

John was sat on one of the pool chairs as Dirk attempted to apply some hydrogen peroxide to his leg. Apparently, even though they were both conditionally immortal beings, they were still susceptible to getting cuts and scrapes. John hadn't even realize that he'd been scrapped until Dirk pointed out the blood coming up to the surface of the water. He winced as Dirk pressed the wet cloth against his knee. Dirk rolled his eyes.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say that Dave did all of the fighting for you in y'alls game"

"Psh, whatever"

John leaned back in the chair and stared up at the white and red stripped patter of the pool umbrella above him. He sighed as a cool breeze wafted over him, tussling his short brown hair ever so slightly. 

"What? No witty retort, no "you're just saying that cus you're both Striders" or anything?"

"Do I have to?", John huffed

"No. Just saying"

Dirk continued to treat John's wound in silence. He was a bit taken back from how defensive John sounded. It wasnt that he'd never seen the guy upset before, there had been plenty of times when things didn't go exactly his way, but they were all just surface level complaints, things like Dirk not getting enough sleep or a show ending off on a cliffhanger. He'd never really caught a hint of anything else until now. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to peer into his feelings a little bit, just to make sure he was doing fine.

"Is everything alright?" , Dirk finally broke the silence after he put one of those really big bandaids on John's knee.

"What? You mean my knee? Yeah it's fine, it just stings a little." He sounded annoyed

"Yeah yeah, that's not what I meant though. I mean like...just in general."

John sat up with a look of confusion and irritation, like Dirk had picked at a different kind of wound.

"Yeah? Why would you say that. I'm completely fine. I mean, yeah sometimes it's a little weird being seen as an actual god when I still feel like just a normal guy for the most part, but it's not like that's too big of a deal or anything"

Dirk frowned. He could sense something dwelling inside John, something that didn't exaclty bode well with the phrase "completely fine".

"Is it Roxy?"

Panic flickered in John's eyes for a moment. He hadn't told anyone about his crush on her. Rose had pointed out that it was fairly obvious to her, but promised not to tell anyone.

"What?", John chuckled. A fake smile forced itself on his face. "What makes you say that?"

"Because, you have feelings for her."

"Hey! Be quiet, these guys can hear you yknow!"

John glanced around them. None of the carapaces seemed to be staring at them, but he knew that there would be a few articles about the two of them being alone in public. He just didn't want any crucial information being in there.

"Sorry"

John sighed. "Its okay just be careful. You know how these guys can get sometimes. Anyways, how'd you know about that? Did Rose tell you?"

"No, but now I'm kinda wishing that she did"

"What? Why?"

"Uh, cus I've know Roxy basically my whole life. Gotta make sure whoever wants to court her is a stand-up guy"

It wasn't an exact lie. Dirk had noticed that John seemed to smile more when he was around Roxy, but he wasn't completely sure until he looked into Johns soul on the matter. Maybe he just didn't want to believe it until he found proof otherwise

"Okay...I guess that makes sense? But how'd you know?"

"Psh, are you kidding me? Every time we hang out around her I can see you giving her goo goo eyes. It's kinda gross actually"

"Well *excuse* me, prince"

Dirk's face scrunched up in distaste. "Nah, sorry. That just doesn't roll off the tongue"

"Whatever. Anyways, why would Roxy be getting me down? Just cus I've got a little crush on her doesnt mean it's a big deal"

A twinge of sorrow pricked at Dirk's chest at the word "crush". He made sure not to let it show through his expression though.

"Because she's kinda got that thing with Calliope going. I mean, not even I know if they're more than friends or not"

"Well why don't you just ask them?"

"Cus I dont really care all that much. I haven't really thought about asking. Maybe *you* should if youre gung ho about winning over her affection"

Dirk knew if the two of them actually did end up together it would hurt a lot more than that small twinge, but at least they would be happy together. He wasnt sure if he could do that for John.

"I...I dunno. Wouldnt it be a little weird to ask?"

"No not really."

"But she might think I'm asking because I'm" , John paused, realizing that he had been gradually raising his voice. He crouched over and whispered, "because I'm interested in her!"

Dirk's body was practically screaming at him to stop talking, burning like his cells had caught on fire. He knew he probably shouldn't have looked into John's feelings, and now he has paying the price. He deserved this.

"What's so bad about that?"

"Well-...uh, I dunno really. It's just making me feel nervous even thinking about it!"

Yeah, he deserved this.

"Just go for it"

Just because they had been spending a lot time together didn't mean that he had any right to stop him. 

"Really?"

It's not like he'd been any better than he was with Jake.

"Yeah, and if she says the two of them aren't a thing just ask her out."

In fact he'd probably be worse. Yeah, this was for the best.

"Woah, you really think that's a good idea? I mean, I dunno if she even likes me back..."

Dirk stood up and placed a hand on Johns shoulder. He gave him a confident smile.

"You are John flipping Egbert. This should be nothing for you man. Just give it your best shot, and everything will work out just fine"

"Yeah...yeah you're right! Even if she doesn't like me back it'll be better to just get if off my chest now! Thanks man, you're the best!"

John went to stand up, but his knee buckled a bit. He wouldn't have fallen, but Dirk instinctively grabbed him. His arms were around John when he looked up, smile wide and face beaming at him. They both began to laugh as John stood upright.

"Yeah, no problem at all"


	2. Five feet apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Handling your emotions in a healthy and non-destructive way? Couldn't be Dirk. Also Calliope makes some food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo so there's some slight NSFW mentioned, but it's not actual smut. I'm too much of a pussy to write and post that kinda shit anyways so hopefully you enjoy what I've cooked up here uwu

"Now it's not really my place to say, but you fucked up"

Rose sipped her tea from her horrorterror themed mug, complete with real tentacle like clay textures. She sat on round, backless chair at the island table in Dirk's kitchen as he stared intently at the eggs he was cooking. The faint sizzling and smell of breakfast filled his apartment just about as much as the metaphorical stench of his brooding had. 

"You're right. It isn't your place to say"

Dirk flipped the egg over. It's golden brown complexion almost matched that of his sunbleched hair.

"You know denial is only going to get you so far."

"Who said I was denying anything?"

"Please, you're like an open book. You and Dave are almost the same in that regard"

Dirk gripped the spatula handle tighter. "Then why dont you bother *him*? I'm all for philosophical talks in the morning, but if you're just gonna keep on this train of thought, then I'm out"

"It's 1pm"

"And?"

Dirk slapped the finished egg on his plate. He cracked another for Rose's.

"And it's not like you're not on the same train. I'm just going along with what I think is best for you"

"What you think and what I know are two completely different things. You can think all you want and still get nowhere. It's like watching Karkat's arguments with internet trolls about things that dont matter. It's just a hamster wheel where you just keep running and go absolutely no where"

"Well they may not matter to you, or even in the grand scheme of things, but whats so bad about talking about trivial matters?"

Dirk slapped Rose's egg onto her plate

"Nothing really, besides it being a waste of time"

"Then you should know that what you're doing is pointless too"

The harsh clang of the plates slamming against the wood of the kitchen island would have made anyone else think that something had broken. Rose just picked up her fork and began eating without so much as a flinch.

"What do you want me to do Rose? John and Roxy have been dating for like a month now. Do you want me to just tear them apart from each other cus I feel like it?"

"That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that you shouldn't punish yourself for having feelings"

A little too late for that. Dirk felt like he was born blaming himself for every wrong that happened. This was just the latest version of it

"Dont roll your eyes at me. You know just as well as I do that you're just going to keep tormenting yourself with what could have been"

"I can deal with my emotions just fine. Besides, isn't this kinda you're fault too?"

"How so?"

"You and Dave left us alone, and that's when..."

"Hm?" Rose sipped from her tea with a curious gaze.

"Look, I get it, you were trying to get us to spend some "quality time" together, but did you have to pick right then and there? You should have been able to tell what was going to happen. You can see like a billion different outcomes. Besides, have you even seen my lock screen?"

"True, but I'm not omniscient. I just saw some potential and went with it"

"And?"

"And...?"

"I'm going back to work"

Dirk left his plate untouched as his bare feet silently took him into his room, hunched over and hands shoved in his jeans. Rose sighed. She scrapped off the remains from her plate into the trash, leaving Dirk's food alone to slowly lose its heat.

"You should come to the brooding caverns sometime. The next batch of trolls is due to hatch within the week"

"If I wanted to see the miracle of birth I'd have to bring a bottle of bleach for my eyes." Dirks voice was mixed with the tinkering of mechanics and the soft hum of computers running.

"Dont even pretend like your search history is cleaner than the caves. Besides, we actually clean up after ourselves."

"You say that like yours is clean"

"I can neither confirm nor deny any allegations"

"The press is gonna have a feild day with that"

"I only tell them what I want them to hear" , Rose giggled

"Oh yeah. I saw that article about Dave and Karkat earlier. You know that kinda stuff is only going to make them more apprehensive towards each other, right?"

"It doesnt hurt to throw the people a little bone or two. Besides, seeing Karkat appear in the comments is the best entertainment I've had in years"

"I guess so."

"Well anyways, I'll get going now. And Dirk?"

"Hm?" His attention was almost completely focused on making his latest battlebot. Rose was merely background noise to his intense concentration.

"Do at least try to take care of yourself."

"No promises"

\---

"John, are you *sure* this is what you want?"

"Well yeah, of course! It's not like I'm gonna back down from a challenge"

In front of John was a plate with a slab of steak absolutely drenched in red and green icing. Bacon bits were sprinkled across it, and a cherry was placed perfectly on top. Roxy sat beside him at the dinner table, looking on with was an almost horrified expression while Calliope stood next to them smiling eagerly.

"I'm so glad you decided to try my latest experimentation in cooking. I've been so keen to have someone give me feedback. Roxy's been a bit apprehensive to try it, and to be honest I dont blame her. Most humans don't seem to share most of my preferred tastes. Though now that is all about to change, hopefully!"

Calliope gave a small cheerful clap. Roxy merely sighed shook her head.

"Look I'm all for supporting my home girl, I just dont see the appeal. Just, whatever you do, don't let Jane see this. She'd kill us, 'specially since you're using Crocker icing on that"

"Oh I doubt she'd go to such lengthy extremes, although I don't doubt she'd be too pleased by my creation", Calliope giggled. "Well go on then John, eat to your hearts content!

"Yes ma'am!"

John cut a chunk of the concoction with a sharp knife before stabbing his fork into it. Juice oozed from the slab of meat, further mixing the smell with the sugary aroma of the sweets.

"Looks like a weird alien larva to me. Like, weirder than the trolls obvi. No offense to you either Cali, I'm just sayin'"

"None taken!'

Calliope and Roxy's attention turned to John as he sunk his teeth into the dish. Roxy even leaned forward as he his teeth gnashed and chewed. A gulp was sounded as he swallowed, followed by silence. Time felt like it was standing still in this pivotal moment in culinary history.

"So..." , Calliope's small, poliet voice shattered the silence. "What do you think?"

"It's actually not that bad! I wouldn't normally think that these two things would go together but you did a really good job making it taste good. Are you sure you used Jane's icing though?"

Calliope felt like she should take at a little offense at that first statement, but she was too relieved and overjoyed that a human finally enjoyed her food. She beamed proudly and stood tall at the praise.

"Well, yes but actually no. See, I used the icing but put a little of my own flavor into it. Call it my secret ingredient if you will"

"Well whatever it is you should use it more often"

"Duly noted. I very much appreciate the feedback"

"No problem!"

John continued to stuff his face with the meal. The way he scarfed it down, leaving crumbs and icing all over his face made Roxy laugh.

"Oh em gee John you look like a little kid right now"

"I'm shorry ish jush sho good!"

"Don't eat with your mouth full. What sort of gentleman doesn't even have proper table manners? For shame dude, for shame"

Roxy picked up a napkin to wipe off John's, frankly a little disgusting, face, but he was quick to swat her hand back. Roxy gasped theatrically.

"My word!"

"*Thank you*, and sorry, but I can do it myself."

"But what about your little chin hair? Poor guy's gonna suffocate under all that icing. It's gonna dry up if I don't do something about it"

The two continued to playfully bicker as Calliope watched on amusedly. The cherub was pleased to see the two of them go so well together. Ever since they began dating, John would often come over for dinner and liven up the place, not that she didn't enjoy Roxy's company, far from it, but it was nice to have new people in every once in a while.

"Perhaps next time we might invite some other guests over just to liven things up a bit? Maybe even some of our other friends might enjoy my cooking?"

"Huh?" The two paused in the middle of John trying to push Roxy from trying to lick the icing off of his face. She stopped with her tongue sticking out and with Johns hand on her shoulders. "Oh uh, yeah fo sho invite some other peeps over next time. It'll be a regular bonanza in this bitch. Is bonanza even a word? Whatevs we'll make it one"

John and Calliope both laughed at Roxy, though Calliope ended hers with a sigh.

"Well I should probably head out, leave you two be"

"Aw really?"

The way Roxy pouted put a smile on Calliope's face. Despite how much time she was spending with her significant other, Roxy never forgot about her, and she was grateful for that. 

"Yes, as much as I enjoy spending time with you two I'm rather tired. Goodnight my friends"

"Night Cali!", John waved with a grin that was quickly snuffed out when Roxy's wet saliva met his chin.

"Haha gottem!"

\---

The moon shone brightly on the Consort Kingdom at its halfway point in the sky, washing the small hut like houses in its radiant light. The faint humming of summer bugs, sporadic breezes that rustled the trees and and shrubbery were the only signs of life moving. Only a handful of consorts were ever awake past their self imposed curfew, and none of them ever kept their lights on past midnight. Dirk was different though, namely since he was a human and not a small candy colored lizard creature.

Dirk would often work late into the night, well past midnight, sweat dripping from his forehead as he was locked into a tight concentration. Once he started on a project, it was nearly impossible to tear his attention away from it. If anyone wanted to contact him they'd either have to physically show up or send him a barrage of text and/or voice messages, which only *might* have a chance working if he forgot to silence his phone.

He sighed as he looked over his latest creation. It was yet another robot built for fighting, though this one was different since it wasn't meant for entertainment. Most of what he made would go to work on his and Jake's joint wrestling show, where all of the contestants were Dirk's battlebots that he and the self proclaimed adventurer would fight against. This one, however, was specifically for vigilante work. Jane had commissioned him on the basis that more and more criminals were trying to tear down her baking empire, not that he cared much about the details, and Dirk would be remiss if he shoved off an opportunity to put his energy into his favorite hobby.

Dirk saw his warped reflection in the machine's sleek black outer coating, exhausted and in desperate need of a shower. He smiled to himself, knowing that he put his heart and soul into yet another masterpiece of his own creation.

After cleaning himself off in an ungodly long shower, a habit that he carried even after the need to control his dream self, he fell onto his twin mattress. It was covered in tools, swords, and the occasional stray puppet, much like the rest of his apartment, but it didnt matter. All that did was that was actually going to try and sleep tonight. His eyes felt heavy and even stung a bit when he closed them, but he wasn't going to let anything get in the way of him getting a fairly decent night's rest.

"Come on, don't be shy, I'm not gonna make fun of it!"

Dirk's eyes shot open and were greeted to the sight of his ceiling's horse poster. For a moment, he thought the equine was speaking to him in a giggly, flirtatious manner, though it wasnt more than a few seconds before he realized the noise was coming from his desktop, the screen of which was spilling a soft, dark blue light into the darkness of his room. The light normally wouldnt have bothered him, but he had just been yanked out of the one time in however long (too long) it had been since he last slept. His mouth was dry and tasted like death as he forced himself up.

"Hal what the hell. I was right about to fall asleep and you decide to play softcore porn." He groaned as he sat at his gamer chair.

"It wasn't me. I've just been chilling like any normal artificial intelligence would be. Besides, that's something that last version of me would do. I'm way better than that piece of junk ever was"

Despite the grief Hal had brought to him in the past, Dirk just couldnt keep himself from making a new and improved version of the auto responder. He made sure that this one had more of a personality of its own, and actually did it's job at informing people on why he wasn't answering instead of just being a shittier version of himself. It was also wasn't right in front of his face 24/7, and instead just an AI found primarily on his messaging apps. He even gave Hal 2.0 the ability to show emotions through the use of an artificial created voice and a small box in the corner of his computer screen that showed pixelated emotions.

"Well if you didn't turn on by yourself then who turned you on wise guy? Because it wasn't-"

"Well I could have sworn that you had turned me on, as I only open to your command, or on my own accord in the case of an emergency, which there doesn't appear to be any at the moment. As for the video of your two friends making out, I again have no idea how the fuck that happened."

Dirk stared at his computer screen in abject horror. There, playing like some sort of cruel joke, was John's POV of him alone with Roxy in a dark bedroom. Roxy was half naked, and he could only assume the same of John, as evidence by the clothes strewn about the bed in the perifial of the screen. He knew it was John because, one, who else would be in such a situation with Roxy besides *maybe* Calliope, and two, because he could hear his familiar chuckle ring from his speakers. His mouth hung open as he realized what was happening, and the feeling terrifying dread creeping along his body, prickling his skin and tightening the muscles in his neck, only grew more intense.

"It's my powers"

"Your powers?" , Hal 2.0's naive electronic voice asked.

"Yeah it's-" , Dirk gulped, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen. "They let me see into a person's soul, like their feelings and shit, and if I really want I can see what a person's doing. I don't do it unless I think someone's in trouble or if I'm *really* bored, and usually it's just for only a minute or so, but it's never been like this..."

Dirk's voice was shaky, he stuttered on almost every word, and even a program like Hal could tell that he was forcing himself to speak.

"You didn't do this on purpose, did you?"

"No I- I dunno how this happened it just-"

The screen cut off right as John's hands finally unhooked Roxy's bra, leaving Dirk to stare at his horrified reflection, sitting alone in the dark. 

"Sorry, but I couldnt just let you torture yourself like that. Even if that was for pleasure in and sort of way it's really unhealthy considering your-"

"I *know*. I know okay? I dont need you or Rose or whoever the fuck else telling me shit I already know. I'm gonna go test out the new robot."

"But Dirk, you really should be getting back to bed-"

"I know. Systems off"

He could have sworn he heard Hal sighing before the hum of the computer stopped, leaving him in his room, alone, in complete silence.


End file.
